Seasons are changing, my heart can feel it. I am feeling very open right now and I guess I should share maybe.
Next month marks the two year anniversary of Sheri, Gavin, and Garrett. I still can’t believe it. The next month marks me leaving church in a way, I just knew I would never return the same. Then a summer where everything went so dark I couldn’t even see, a summer where my family hit bottom. October of that year marks me losing a best friend, MY BEST friend, in away I will never get her back the same, God has to work that one out! Then today, to day marks the one year anniversary of me coming home from California on my first visit at the end of my rope, in love with a boy, who halfway promised me nothing. I was hurting so bad after the year I had had I didn’t care, I was willing to take almost any treatment to just have someone walking with me through the darkness. I was just carrying a lot thinking Sheri’s death was my fault, that church was for the dreamers, that my family mess was my fault, the more I thought about it all, the more I went deeper in my head. Those were some bad breaks then to lose my best friend, and get my heart broken. Well I sat by a lake last June. Before I say this understand I am so full of life almost every day, so for me to sit by a lake contemplating death was so out of character for me. I keep running my gym key up and down my arm because I knew if I broke the skin my body would focus the pain on my arm and the knot in my chest would calm down. I had been running for so long, smiling for everyone. It wasn’t until March of last year I brought on my own storm. Sheri’s murder, my family, my church, all of it. Wasn’t my fault I just happened to be involved, but this time last year I did what no girl should do. I opened up completely to the wrong heart. When you open up to the wrong person, satan has direct access to your soul. I’ve never in my life felt so worthless. I hated myself for all new reasons. No longer was I concerned with Sheri’s death being my fault or my parents, or any of it. Now I hated myself for allowing myself to be treated this way. Every day I woke and swore I’d do something about it, and I’ve never been one to walk alone and be afraid of it, but for whatever reason I was so scared of whatever demon was on the other side of my goodbye with this relationship. It took me months to find the courage to fight every battle involved in our goodbye. I’m no coward either.
I met Frank at a time, where my heart was so broken, I was sure life was going to head down a road of settlement and my dream of books on shelves and photography on walls, and my condo in Manhattan was all just for inspiration or something. Frank, came along and did what no one has ever done for me. Walked with me through the hardest thing I have ever had to do. I sit here with just two more nights in my condo, before I move and chase this crazy life I have always wanted. I sit here knowing I wouldn’t be sitting here without him. He explained Sheri wasn’t my fault, told me I deserved a guy who would love me, not cause my colors to disappear and my art to fade. Told me It’s all going to be okay, and what he did that set him so far apart is, he followed through with phone calls, I broke down BAD after trial. He slept on my floor. I got left on curb, he came and sat with me. Just constantly believed in me!
As I get ready to head to this next season I look back on a triple homicide, an almost family split, a def church split, the lost of my best friend, and the worst treatment and heart ache I have ever seen, and I think. I understand what hell is now. Hell is being left alone with all those thoughts away from God. Let in our shame, our own guilt, in our own heads. God gave me Frank, because I know without him during that I wouldn’t have made it. Sounds dramatic, there were many moments I sat by the ocean thinking how far out I could swim. We all want to be so strong ya know, not admit our faith is weak that sometimes we feel like dying. I felt like dying every day from April 1st of last year till January of this year. My heart was invested in a human that always left me, it was stupid, and I looked pathetic. But I have always loved hard! But I learned so much about God through death, three beautiful lives being stolen, through everything that happened with my family, through it all. Simply because I learned I wouldn’t get through my days without his strength. Then he gave me a friend like Frank! Someone so faithful not even a golden retriever could match him. I just knew God wanted to love me through a healthy form, and let me know it really did hurt that bad, it really was that hard, but I really was going to make it.
I guess my purpose in writing this is, we all have stories. We all have heart breaks. I lost a friend in one of the most horrific ways you can and I am still going home to meet a friend to sit on a witness stand, here we are two yrs later and it’s still not over. I feel in love with the wrong person. A whole youth department at my church got wiped. My parents split up for a bit. I sat by that lake and was ready to quit breathing but ya know what I didn’t.
It really did hurt that bad but it really can be restored even more. Sheri is with God. My parent’s got back together, my dad came out here and spent six weeks with me. I go to a church out here that blows my mind, Jamey is running with his vision and my team back home, and God gave me people like frank to help me carry the things that were too heavy. I have had to learn humility in ways I never knew I could. Then I found Melinda, and Melanie, and God kissed me on the forehead with bringing Bridget out. It’s just funny, and tonight it just broke me when Bruce, Susie, and Jen show up. People that I never even had to ask to be there, they just are. It’s just to have people in your life who don’t even know you almost quick breathing, and they just laugh with you. They don’t know the death you went through or the dark moments and they don’t need too! They just let you in and keep things simple. It’s what I needed! I am standing in my store, and they show up for dinner, and I just walk away almost in tears, because it’s been a tough road. REALLY tough. I wasn’t sure I was going to make it, but then this grace that is so beyond anything I could have ever asked for shows up in the moment I think it’s all lost, just two short months ago, and here I am. In the middle of a full blow love storm with God. It’s just raining right now, and I cry a lot because for so many days I couldn’t find the feeling even too cry. I would lay awake scared of all my thoughts. But I made it! I don’t know if I will stay in california my whole life. All I know is I got a place, I have two jobs, big dreams, amazing family and friends and God who never left me. I don’t know much of anything right now other than the sun is shining, and for a season I will take the sun and every healing ray it offers. Tides are changing, I’ve never been more ready.
I guess I just wrote this cause I needed a good cry. I’m exhausted, but I stood up and fought all my demons, and I guess this is for the heart still fighting theirs. DON’T YOU DARE GIVE UP! No matter how dark, or scary, or deep the pain is, there is way out even when it seems the walls are closing and so is your mental state, don’t you give up! Your life is worth it all! Christ is there in the shadows working, it’s only in hind sight we truly see his master piece, we have to just trust it’s all coming together.
So as I close my lap top and roll into a bawl and tuck this day into the past, I just want to say so long Long Beach, thanks for holding me through those days. So long you beast of demons in St. Louis, I fought to have my streets back, my memories and I won. Good night LA. I know the sunsets says, “We see this all the time, never your mind…” Good nite Santa Monica, I will protect you from here on out. I believe I will find, in the right time, another hand to walk the piers with and dream about stitching two hearts together to chase some crazy ass dreams! It just wasn’t time.
New York, I’ll only share you with the one I love!
and to Jesus. I can’t wait for my forever days with you!
Goodnite world. Don’t give up!
